Mathematics

A boy was teaching a girl maths..

He kissed her & then kissed her again & said, this is addition. Then the girl kissed him back & said, this is subtraction. Then they kissed each other & said, this is multiplication. ­
Suddenly the girl's dad came & beat the boy up, threw him away & said this is called DIVISION

Work In Dark.

A boy was teaching a girl maths..

He kissed her & then kissed her again & said, this is addition. Then the girl kissed him back & said, this is subtraction. Then they kissed each other & said, this is multiplication. ­
Suddenly the girl's dad came & beat the boy up, threw him away & said this is called DIVISION

Good Reasons

 

One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up
MOM: Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.
SON: But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school.
MOM: Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.
SON: One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.
... MOM: Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.
SON: Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?
MOM: One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

APR

 

A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'.. He sat down & noticed 4 buttons- WW, WA, PP & APR.

Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up. Still loving it,
...
he pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.

Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR. He later woke up in a hospital, a nurse smiled & said;
Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER, so when the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your testicles.
The are in this jar.

I.M AN ENGINEER

Eyes

 

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane....
the beautiful lady said to the guy 'can u pls help me remove something from my breast.
The excited man said 'it will be a pleasure,
so what is it ? your eyes, idiot.

Call Me

Breakfast

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!! Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ... CAREFUL!! be CAREFUL!!You NEVER listen to me wh...en you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!!

Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving"

 

A Blonde Joke

A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driver's license. The motorist digs around in her purse but can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home, officer." The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist searches her purse again and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I'd known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

Santa

Advice ?

Student Talent

Height Of Student Talent....

Teachr: U Just Got 5 Marks & Still
UR Laughing.
.
.
Student: I'm Wondering How I
Got 5 Marks Even I Wrote Lyrics of bollywood songs...

Party Crashers

 

It was at birthday a party and Akpors - the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.
He was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers.
Then he got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said, "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?"
About twenty people stood.
... Then he asked, "Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?"
About twenty five people stood up.
He then smiled and said,
-
-
-
"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party"

 

Confirmation message

Akpors - Hi babe, i'm at the pub with some lads, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure u prepare my favorite dish before i return.

50 minutes later akpors sent another text....

Akpors - Babe, i forgot to tell u dat i got an increase in my salary at the end of the month, i'm getting u a new car.

wife text back immediately.

Wife -" o.m.g really ?".

Akpors - NO, i just wanted to make sure u got my first message....

System Of Life

ID ten T error

 

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called David, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom
looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come
over. David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So,
... what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
inquired, "An ID Ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again." David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID
ten T error before?" "No", I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T.
I used to like that little boy..

How Dare You ...

 

Oh...ho...

Twin Sisters

 

A Question Asked In A Talent Test

If U R Married To One Of The Twin Sisters,
How Would You Recognize Your Wife?

...

The Answer Came:

"Why Should I ? :-

April Fool

 

Akpor took the 1st position in his class..consequently the principal of the school decided to offer him a promotion & he had to under go some oral test.

PRINCIPAL : Akpor, If I give you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have ?

AKPOR : Seven, Sir.
...
PRINCIPAL : Let me put it to you differently. If I give you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have ?

AKPOR : Six.

PRINCIPAL : Good. Now if I give you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have ?

AKPOR : Seven!!!

PRINCIPAL : (Angrilly) Where did you get ur seven from ?

AKPOR : Yes! My Papa sama me one cat yesterday...plus the Six cats....u won give me.....soe go be SEVEN CATS na....

PRINCIPAL : What ?....U must repeat this class..

Click LIKE if you get it.

Gift

Some employees bought their boss a gift for
his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss
shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wetin
the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot
and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and
tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."

Snake Hunters

Simple Operation

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

EMIS Left

Wife

A guy sits in a taxi and sees his wife entering a hotel with another man, and tells the driver. Do you want to Earn $500 right away?,,, The driver excitedly said what do I have to do?.. Bring my wife by the hair out of that hotel, here's a picture of her. After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while kicking and beating her and puts her in the Taxi. and the husband says to him, "This is not my wife" the driver replied " Nooooo ,this is mine, hold her for me. I'm going for yours"!

Revenge.

 

HR Manager, His Assistant, An Old Woman And Her Young Daughter Are Traveling In A Train And During The Course Of Time Get Themselves Introduced To Each Other And Become Temporary Friends...

The Train Goes Through A Tunnel And It Gets Completely Dark...

Suddenly There Is A Kissing Sound And Then A Slap !!!
...

The Train Comes Out Of The Tunnel...

The Women And The Assistant Are Sitting There Looking
Perplexed...

The Manager Is Bending Over Holding His Face, Which Is Red From An Apparent Slap.
All Of Them Remain Diplomatic And Nobody Says Anything...

The Old Woman Is Thinking :
These Managers Are All Crazy After Girls. He Must Have Kissed My Daughter In The Tunnel. Very Proper That She Slapped Him...

The Young Girl Is Thinking :
The Manager Must Have Tried To Kiss Me But Kissed My Mother Instead And Got Slapped...

The Manager Is Thinking :
Damn It... My Assistant Must Have Kissed The Young Girl. She Might Have Thought It Was Me And Slapped Me...

Now Guess What The Assistant Is Thinking...

.

.

Now Hold Your Breath And Read What The Assistant Is Thinking...

If This Train Goes Through Another Tunnel I Will Make Another Kissing Sound And Slap My Manager Again...
The idiot Keeps Harassing Me In The Office...!!

Business

Blone

Unique Excuse!

 

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160...

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day," said the cop. "This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
...
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.")

Donkey

 

Chemist

 

Boy goes to a chemist-
"Give me a condom. I'am going to my gf's house for dinner.

Then he says "Give me two more.
My gf's sis is a bomb 'n her mom is still hot."
...

During dinner, her Dad walks in.
Boy lowers his head 'n starts praying.

10 min 'n he is still praying, his head down.

All are surprised.
Girlfriend-" I never knew you are so religious"
Boy-" I never knew your DAD IS A CHEMIST!

 

End of World

Tom & Jerry

 

Arab couple went 2 London.
..
1 day in the hotel room, d husband heard his wife scream 'Farra Farra' (it
is d arabic word for Mouse).
..
... He wanted to inform Room Service but dint know English word for Farra.
Husband: Hello Room Service?
..
Room Service: Yes Sir, how can I help u? . Husband : U kno Tom n Jerry?
..
Room Service: Yes Sir, I kno Tom n Jery.
..
Husband : Walla Habibi, JERRY is here :p

Over Speed

The driver noticed they were heavily drunk as he opened the door for them to enter.

Wanting to play a trick on the drunk men to make fast money, he started the engine, turned it off, and said, "We have arrived at your destination sirs".
...
The First drunk man gave him his money, the second drunk man said, "Thank u", while the third drunk man gave him a hot dirty slap.

The driver was surprised....

Thinking the third guy had realized what he did, the driver asked, "What was the slap for?".

The third drunk man replied "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME. YOU ALMOST GOT US KILLED!!!"

Engineer

Why most of the engineering students
Can't clear all subjects in 1st attempt..?
?
?
...

?
Answer:
Smooth roads never make good drivers,
Clear sky never makes good pilots
&
Clearing all subjects in the 1st attempt,
Never makes good engineers.

When Nasa Inspired by Pixar

Cousin

 

A Boy Was Going With His Lover..

His Friend Asked : Who Is She. ?

Boy : My Cousin..
...

Friend Smiled and Said : Last Year she was
My Cousin..!

Diagnosis

 

In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor:
How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?

Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....

...

Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use d bucket bcoz its bigger....

Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now will u plz proceed to bed no.39 ;-)

What about you?

 Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in class.
What about you?
Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..!
What about you?

Rapped / Robbed

 

Late one night, a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.

"Help me! Help me!" she screamed.
"I'm being robbed!"

... "You ain't being robbed...." her attacker interrupted.
"You're being raped!"

The woman looked at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans.

"If you're planning on raping me with that," she laughed, "then I am most definitely being robbed

Vicious Circle

 
The boss calls his secretary & says: "Get ready for d weekend, We r going on a business trip."

The secretary calls husband & says: "Me & my boss r going on a business trip for 2 days so take care of yourself"
...
The husband calls his mistress & says: "My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun"

The mistress calls the boy to whom she gives tuition: "No tuition this weekend."

The boy calls his grand father: "Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."

Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary & says: "Business trip is canceled. I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson"

The secretary calls husband: "I won't be going"

The husband calls his mistress: "I am sorry My wife is not going "

The mistress calls boy: "You have tuition"

Boy calls his grandpa & says: "Sorry grandpa I've classes"

The grandpa calls secretary &.......

Fruit shop

Pay Raise.

The Maid Asked For A Pay Raise.
Madam Was Very Upset About
This And Asked: "Now Maria,
Why Do You Want An
Increase?"
Maria: 'Well Madam, There Are
Three Reasons Why I Want An
Increase."
"The First Is That, I Iron Better
Than You"
...

Madam: "Who Said You Iron
Better Than Me?"
Maria: "The Master Said So."
Madam: "Ohhh"
Maria: "The Second Reason Is
That I Am A Better Cook Than
You."
Madam: "Nonsense, Who Said
You Were A Better Cook Than
I?"
Maria: "The Master Did.
Madam."
Maria: "My Third Reason Is That
I Am A Better Lover Than
You."
Madam (Very Upset Now): "Did
The Master Say So As Well?"
Maria: "No Madam, The Garden boy Did."

3 Meals A Day

DOCTOR : you are looking so
weak and exhausted.
Are you sure you're taking 3
MEALS A DAY as I had advised ?

LADY: Oh
my God. I thought
you said 3 MALES A
DAY!

Johnny's bitch

Teacher:Kgm,whatt do you wanna be when you grow up Johnny??
Johnny:I wanna be a millionaire,and get me a hot bitch,get her a private jet to travel the world in style,
get her a ferrari,get me and my bitch a mansion in paris and also get her anything she wants!!
*The teacher,left speechless on how to punish Johnny.Decides to ignore Johnny's statement and go on with the lesson*
...

Teacher:How about you Sophia??
Sophia:I have no doubt about it,I definately want to be Johnny's bitch!!!

Focus

Teacher: who is d President of Iraq?

Johnny: I don't know miss

Teacher: U need to focus more on your studies.

Johnny: Pls Miss, can I ask a question?

Teacher: Yes.

...

Johnny: Do U know Angella

Teacher: Nope,why?

Johnny: U need to focus more on your husband!

Customer Feedback.

 

When u propose a girl
its direct marketing...
.
...

When u call her
its tele marketing...
.
.
When she walks to u
its brand recognition...
.
.
And...
.
.
When she slaps u
its customer feedback... :D

Smart Boys

 

Wife :
It's my bad luck day I married you !
Otherwise Lots of Smart Boys were interested in me :/
.

.

Husband :
Of course they Must Be Smart :
Dats Y they Escaped from You :p

Remarriage

 

Johnny & his wife conversation

Johnny : If I die, will u remarry ?

Wife : No! I'll stay with my sister.
...

But if I die will u remarry ?

Johnny : No, I'll also stay with your sister